Best thing that happened to me today

I am comfortably wearing a pair of jeans that I haven't been able to in over a year. Now I won't tell you what size, as really it's no where near where I'd like to be lol. And they really aren't my style of jeans I typically like to wear. But still, buttoned and I'm not dying or even uncomfortable. It's made me happy.

Putting on these jeans successfully (when a few weeks ago I could not) has gotten me to thinking. I mean I've never ever been a skinny girl. But as an adult it simply has not bothered me as much. And after three kids, I assure you my body is not better for the wear. LOL As I began to ponder this I realized I have felt better about myself in the past 5 years than ever before in my life. And I've wondered why exactly.

I can attribute tiny parts of it to many things in life. Having two children naturally at home with births that I can only describe as amazingly empowering, pulling out of the worst depression I've ever faced, facing and accepting the demons of my past, overcoming a lifelong battle with an eating disorder, discovering what I want to do with my life's energy, watching almost three dozen women come into their own through giving birth and becoming empowered, or simply becoming a mother to daughters who look to me for an example of self esteem. All of these things have marked me for the better. But still, they don't really pin down the reason for my fairly newfound confidence, considering my almost thirty years.

Then I remembered something a very close friend said to me the other day.

her ~ You know something I've always kind of been jealous of about you?
me ~ what?
her ~ Your confidence.

Now, she has known me for ten years. We weren't close for about the first year or so of that. But when we began to get close was when I was going through my divorce. And then it hit me. That was it. That was the birth of my confidence. My ex-husband and I had a toxic relationship, and in the end he belittled me quite often. I felt so small and useless. And when I finally left him I felt naked. Every single day was like that dream where you are at school/work and you suddenly realize everybody is staring at you like you are naked. If I had held on to the worthlessness, the bottomless pit of feeling so small, I would have simply melted away. I would have become exactly what he made me believe I was. And it started small. It was a long long process. But finally I did have exactly what she has seen in me: confidence. And now that I have it I won't ever look back.

I've been tagged...

...and well, I never pass up a challenge. And even though I've done this before, I'll try to come up with ten completely new weird/random facts about me.

Alright folks, hold on to your panties.

1. I am a complete and total word whore. Anybody ever seen the movie Threesome? Remember the chick that can orgasm from hearing big words? Yeah, total word whore.

2. I call everybody by southern pet names. For example: baby, sweetie, sweetheart, hon, honey, and yes...sometimes sugar.

3. I love love love giving birth, however I do not enjoy parenting as much as I thought I would. Nobody ever told me how difficult of a job it truly is.

4. Before you hate me for 3, I will add that though hard as hell parenting is also the coolest thing ever.

5. I constantly contradict myself. (Reread 3 & 4 if you don't belive me.) This is the true meaning of the Gemini twins btw, dual personalities.

6. I've had two near death experiences. One was a car accident 4 days before I turned 18 in which someone was killed (obviously not me) and the other was riding a 3-wheeler when I was a teenager. I was supposed to ramp and didn't, which almost sent the bike forward on top of my unprotected head and neck.

7. I can be very easily swayed from my opinions most of the time if your arguement is good enough.

8. I like arguing. A lot.

9. There are two things that make me happier than anything else on the face of the earth: ice cream cones & the movie Dirty Dancing.

10. I broke my best friend's finger when I was 15...on purpose.

And if you've ever read one of my tag blogs...then you know how it ends. I tag....nobody. Stop the insanity!!!

It is better to have loved and lost...

This is something I wrote a while back for something else and when I was reading over it tonight I thought I would share. I can't think of a single person I know who hasn't loved and lost...so read...hopefully enjoy...show me love.

It is better to have loved and lost...

That's the saying isn't it? It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

Getting over someone is the hardest thing known to mankind - or womankind as the case may be. There are all kinds of relationships with all kinds of levels. There are connections on each of those levels. And some are easily moved on from. You know moving on is the right thing, you are thankful for that person's presence in your life, and you move on. Or you hate them, can't stand the sight of them, and moving on is even easier. But sometimes, sometimes moving on is the most painful experience there is. It can rip your heart out, eat it like a wild animal, and regurgitate it to be reinserted and ripped out again.

Rarely in life do you find another person that there is a connection on all levels. Someone who stimulates your mind, body, emotions, and all your senses at once. It is almost overload to find these people. You see them and think, wow I'd like to know that person. Then you seek them out. Then BAM! Overload!!

Losing a connection like this begs the question of what the entire purpose of the relationship was. Walking away with personal growth may seem like the obvious answer. And yet, you must wonder if there wasn't some easier (less heart-regurgitated) way to achieve this growth.

And still, we continue on. We live and love. Each time opening ourselves up to another person for this pain. And at times we get it, in all of the ripping out glory that love can bring. And we grow. Right? We grow.

Perhaps it is better to have loved and lost. Perhaps that connection to another human being is so sacred that we welcome the chance to have our heart shredded even for a glimpse of what could've been. I know I have.

22 years ago today

The space shuttle Challenger exploded barely a minute after it left the ground.



All seven crew members lost their lives.



This piece of history was one that people in my generation and older will not ever forget. I was sitting in a second grade classroom watching the space shuttle take flight.

Do you remember where you were?

Life Lessons as a Parent

I've learned as my kids have grown that we are never through learning. I've also learned that this whole parenting gig is the hardest thing ever. Nothing can prepare you for watching another human being mold into a person, with personalities and mistakes and fun and love like no other experience on earth.

We got a notice this week that the school wants to test my daughter for the gifted program. Now, I know every parent on this earth wants to believe their child is gifted, and in truth they all are. Each person has their own gifts and talents that make them unique. The problem here is looking at this from a realistic point of veiw. At first I was kind of taken aback. I mean I think my kid is special but for someone else to say so is really cool. Then I had to stop and think...but wait, doesn't every first grader think outside the box? Don't they all show creative abilities and promise until that gets squashed the older they get?

Then there's this - and I warn you now this is selfish on my part. I want it. Badly. I want my daughter to have this program in her life that meant so so much to me when I was a kid. I know exactly what the gifted program is because I was in it for something like 8 years. I feel like it is one of the surest ways to NOT turn out a little autobot from the public school system. The program is as unstructured as public education can be and forces children to stay outside the box. And the older she gets she will be exposed to older and younger children from other backgrounds. Some of them will challenge her too, because they will be the ones who are really really ingelligent. You know, the smart kids with almost no social skills. And of course the lucky ones who are smart and socially ept. Those are the ones who challenged me the most. Because they were cool and part of the in crowd. Plus they made me think. Me, I was a part of all the crowds. I was just one of those people who blended. But anyway I digress.

We won't know anything for a while. Won't even know when they will test her. And I don't think I even want to tell her they will be doing it. Although I'm plenty open to opinions on that one.

So, this is me. Being selfish and trying to be realistic. And trust me, I'm completely ok if my kid is just average, because I know her gifts and she will learn them as she grows. I just see this as the opportunity for her to use them to the fullest. Hopefully anyway. :)

Another reminder of why I do this

Birth, that is.

I had another birth this week. This one was emotional and hard, and did not have the most desired outcome. A healthy baby and mother were both had though.

In speaking with mom at her postpartum visit yesterday I was once again reminded of why I do birth. And of why I love women.

We are a strong species, the fairer sex. We are looked at as the less strong, the needy, etc...when that couldn't be farther from the truth. We are stronger than any man I've ever met. And really, I completely understand why the oldest religions worshipped the feminine. We should be worshipped.

I bear the image of Isis on my right shoulder blade. She is the mother goddess, the goddess of the feminine. I wear her permanently on my body as a reminder of just how strong we are. I see her strength in each women I am blessed enough to serve. I see her strength in myself. I am proud of being a part of this fairer sex.

I told someone close to me last year that I found pain to be the most beautiful state of existence. This is because of the strength of these women. My job is to be with women in pain. Not to sit with them and cluck and pity their pain. My job is to actually be present with them, to share their energy and let them know they are not alone in what they are experiencing. A woman in pain will open her soul to you at the exact moment she wants to shut down, if you will be present with her. It is at the point I see strength, without fail. And it is beautiful.

My heart is full this week from the strength of birth, of the feminine. And once again I remember why I do what I do.

An amazing birth

I'd like to share a quick story with you. This is why I do what I do.

I had a client last week email me talking about wanting an unassisted birth. Previously the plan had been for me to assist her and her partner in a hospital birth. I encouraged her to go for the birth she wanted and left the lines open for any support I could give her.

I don't do what I do to to feel good myself. I truly do this to empower women. I do not want women to remember their birth by my presence. I want women to own their birth experiences.

Now I won't tell you a lot about the birth. I don't tell my clients' birth stories as they aren't mine to tell. I will just tell you the part that has made my entire day. Hell it could have made my entire week.

Mom went into labor this morning, and not even an hour ago delivered her son unassisted at home with me blessed enough to be on the phone. She was amazing and strong and can forever know she this birth belonged to no one but herself. I am so proud of her and for her. The trust she placed in her body and her baby is what I hope for every women I encounter.

Love and light beautiful women.