When we say I Love You

The phrase 'I love you' is a popular one. We use it everyday, over and over. Sometimes we say it out of habit, at certain times of the day or in response to someone because it's a ritual that requires no thought. Sometimes we say it because of timing, such as ending a phone call or a loved one leaving for work. There are really special times that we say it because we feel the love so deeply it must be expressed. Those are my favorite 'I love you's.'

I read somewhere not too long ago that when we say 'I love you' what we really mean is 'I love the way I feel when you are around me.' That struck a chord inside of me. I had an epiphany of love and what it meant to be truly loved by another human being.

I've spent alot of time in my life feeling more or less replaceable. I'm not trying to throw a pity party or anything, I'm just stating a fact. I mean, my mom and dad could adopt another kid. My friends could always make another friend. My husband could remarry. Any woman (or man, I'm not sexist) could raise my children. My roles in life can easily be filled in my absence. That is true. It is undisputable.

Here's the epiphany:

When I love someone, I do love the way I feel when they are around me. That feeling I have is unique for each person I love. No one can ever duplicate it for another person. That makes each person on this earth unreplaceable to someone.

I have so many people who are unreplaceable to me, and I am truly thankful for those who find me unreplaceable in their own lives.

Motherhood

I've had something on my mind this week to write about, but seeing as Mother's Day is almost here I thought motherhood might be a more appropriate subject. Today I am feeling my motherhood in a large way, so I thought I might take some time to sit in that...feel what motherhood means to me.

Before I was a mommy I never knew what love was, not really. I had loved, I had even been in love. I really thought I had loved another human with every fiber of my being. When I held my daughter for the first time though, nothing on this earth could have prepared me. I never expected to fall in love with her on sight. Looking into her eyes, I felt as if I'd known her forever. I still think that sometimes, as if our souls are intertwined in a way I simply cannot understand. I feel that with all of my children really, but it didn't take me by storm like with her.

Being adopted, I've always needed the biological mother daughter link. Abandonment issues much? Yeah that would be an understatement. And as I sat in that bed holding my daughter, I felt an enormous need to protect her swell inside of me like a lioness protecting her cub. I realize how cliche that seems, but it's true. I've never known a love like that I feel for my children.

I am more than a little proud of being a mom. I'm proud of everything that goes along with it. My pregnancies, the labors, two natural and gentle homebirths, the first not so natural or gentle birth that changed my life in a huge way for the better, and nursing my babies for better or worse. I'm proud of the happiness, silliness, tears, shouts, love, forgiveness, grace, and hope. I'm proud of all of the kisses, scraped knees, countless 'firsts', t-ball games, ballet recitals, 'watch me mom!'s, belly laughs, baby smiles, and hugs.

Tonight, though, I am feeling a little selfish, and maybe even a little slighted. There are times we (moms) truly need things we do not get. There are many needs that go unmet and probably unspoken for that matter. I am feeling that tonight. Those feelings are kind of like at a normal job when you might blurt out, 'I need a vacation!' or idly wonder why the hell you do this job anyway. I suppose I've wondered once or twice why I do this. I know I've sighed with exasperation I NEED A BREAK! See I don't get to leave the room when the baby cries and I'm the one everyone calls to fix everything. I'm the mechanic, the janitor, the mediator, and the counselor. Oh yeah, I'm also the cafeteria at this particular point in time.

I won't lie and say that at the end of the day when the oldest has thrown a fit, the son has been pure boy except when he was sleeping, and the baby has cried for a reason I can't quite figure out I don't have those 'why the hell am I doing this again?' thoughts. All it takes though is my daughter saying 'mom you're so beautiful' or my son laying his head on me with a 'mom you know what - I love you' or the baby stopping nursing to look up at me with a gummy smile. That's it and I'm gone - I fall in love all over again.