So today is...

Another kid's birthday. My oldest is turning 8 today. Which means I have been a mother full-fledged for 8 years today.

My life changed when I became a mother. I changed. The first words I said to my daughter were, "I promise I will protect you every day of my life." I didn't know before her that it was possible to love another human being so completely.

Her birth changed me. Her birth was the catalyst into making me who and what I am today. It wasn't a shiny happy story like my other two births. It was hard on me on so many levels, the birth itself and adjusting to being responsible for a tiny little person. I owe so much to this person, this one who I was supposed to have been taken care of all this time. Today I wonder if she's possibly been taking care of me?

Happy birthday Kierstyn, my beautiful one. I love you with every fiber of my being and I cannot wait to see where this life takes you.

It's been five years...

This Sunday will mark five years since my beautiful son made his grand appearance. I know my weekend will be busy, so I wanted to do this while I have time to sit and my day has already been filled with writing.

I love remembering the birth of my children, especially on the days they were born. Yes, their births are my experiences, but they also belong to my babies too. My son's pregnancy and birth changed me in a very deep way. Today I'd like to share the story of his birth with you. This is what I have put up on my personal birth stories of my business web site. I've tried to make it not too graphic, and give some idea of what this birth meant to me. I am so grateful for my son, who he is and what he means to me. I am so happy he was born and cannot wait to see what he is like as he grows. I'm lucky to know this little person, and lucky to have my life made richer by him.

October 12, 2003------------------------------------------------------------------------

We were on our way home after a typical Saturday. The day had been filled with bookstores and college football. The only thing different with this particular Saturday is that undetected early labor had also been thrown into the mix. That night as we drove home after dropping off movies at the movie store, I felt a pop inside as I was coughing. I was a little alarmed, but said nothing to my husband since my due date was still almost three weeks away. When we got home, I carried my sleeping toddler in and laid her down. When I stood up I realized the inside of my pants leg was soaked and started wobbling to the bathroom. As I had suspected my water indeed had broken, and my husband was sent into a short-lived tizzy. Once all had calmed down and we realized the baby was coming then instead of giving us three weeks to get ready, my mom and dad came to help me clean house, run errands, and take my daughter in the middle of the night while my midwife and her assistant were en route.

My contractions started very quickly after my water broke. At first they were so mild I barely even noticed them. My doula had come to sit with me and it wasn't too long before my midwife arrived. She checked my cervix and I was three centimeters. My contractions were coming every few minutes, but were very mild. We all knew the labor wasn't stopping though, since my water had broken. I decided to take a warm bath while my husband cooked food for everyone. (Sidenote: husbands, do NOT try to fry food while your wife is in labor, she will not enjoy the experience!) During the bath, my contractions began to pick up.

The next few hours, I alternated between sitting on the birth ball, being in the bath, and sleeping. Yes, I said sleeping. I spent probably about 3 hours of my eleven and a half hour labor sleeping. Eventually, during one of the warm baths, I noticed a drastic change in my contractions. So much so, that I had to begin vocalizing through them. Since I was in the bathroom alone, it took me a few minutes to make my way out of the bathtub to tell the midwife I felt different. Upon checking me, she discovered I was 8 centimeters. Everyone set about moving everything to the living room since it looked like I would be birthing there, and soon after being checked I said I was feeling pressure.

I began to try some pushing in a sitting position with my feet propped up, simulating a squat. At the same time, transition hit pretty hard and I started throwing up. The pushing was painful in that position, so I stood up and hung off of my husband to push. When I was pushing I began to doubt myself. I questioned whether or not I could finish it. I realized though that I wasn't doing it alone – we, my son and I, were doing it together. Pushing was really intense for me. So much so that I describe it as an out of body experience. I recall the sensations and exactly how it felt – but it was like I watched it all in third person. As he came out without tearing my body in any way my midwife guided him to the towel beneath me. Immediately I fell forward in a fog thinking to myself the whole thing seemed so surreal. I heard voices from what seemed like another room calling my son's name telling him to wake up and I realized that my son was outside of my body and he needed me as much as ever. I called his name and with tears streaming turned over to pull him up to me. As soon as he heard my voice he began to wake up I held him close rubbing his back. Soon he was pink and beautiful.

When my son was born I never would have thought I would be so enthralled by him as I was. I had been a mother before; my daughter was almost three. When she was born I held her and looked at her and promised to always protect her and never abandon her. I felt the mother bear instinct soar in me and it has been that way with her ever since. With my son it was different though. He was like an extension of me. I felt completed by him – by his existence and his birth.

------------------------------------------------

Happy Birthday Connor! Thank you for your birth and your presence in my life. I am so proud of you and always will be, no matter where life takes you.

Ok...everybody panic

Watching the news. That's my current status. It's been my current status for about six minutes.

Let me share the IDIOTIC statements I have heard in those lone six minutes.

The bailout plan is important to pass to get credit flowing again.

I'm sorry, but isn't the flowing of credit part of our current problem? People have been encouraged to put themselves and their families in hock up to their eyeballs and now they can't pay it back! But come on, if we offer them more money it'll fix everything. Nevermind that no one from middle class America down can afford, to quote my childhood, a pot to piss in if they didn't already have one. Let's go ahead and put everybody in MORE debt.

Carmax is laying off umpteen *my word* thousand employees nationwide, but the GOOD news is no one in the Jackson area will be affected.

Goody goody gumdrops! The Jackson area is safe. Our carmax employees won't lose their jobs. The employees across the rest of the country, eh not so much. But who cares? It's not close to us so we're good. How callous can we be? Idiots.

And people can still buy big ticket items, like new TV's, because financing is STILL available because Mississippi banks are STILL stable.

This rich prick had the gall to stand on television and say, "If I didn't know there was a national crisis, I wouldn't know it from the number of people coming into the store." Seriously. Again, let's keep handing out money, guarantee no interest for a few months (or years) and when these people can't pay back the money they've borrowed the banks can all go under then. Of course, it'll be the banks going under not him since they banks will have already paid him. So he's good.

I swear one person didn't close their mouth before another was letting something stupid fall out. What kind of idiots are reporting the news tonight? Better yet, what kind of idiots are coming up with this idea that giving people money they have to pay back but don't have the money to pay back will fix the economy? Oh wait, it keeps us dependent. Silly, silly me.

I'm deeply disturbed. This is the current state of affairs. Everybody panic. The people we've allowed to make the decisions have screwed us.

Something I posted on my birth blog

I posted this on my birth blog, I thought I would share here...

The Ever Increasing Hostility of the World of Birth

I am struck, today, by how hostile the environment of giving birth is becoming in my home state. Not only struck, but saddened, confused, and downright pissed off.

This summer I have had one client already leave the state to give birth because she felt like her chances of having a natural birth in the hospital here were slim to none. I have another client whose due date is evermore impending still undecided on her birth plans because she is a VBAC mom and her choices are, well zero.

Having a VBAC in Mississippi is becoming next to impossible. One hospital in the Jackson metro area has banned VBAC's and I feel sure more will follow suit. Not only this, but the ONE doctor I trusted to refer my clients to for hospital births has become owned by the insurance companies. He doggedly pushes the AFP test and is cracking down on VBAC moms. The newest policy I've heard in place is that he requires an epidural catheter to be in place as soon as mom is in the hospital laboring. Doesn't have to be active, but the needle must be inserted and ready to go.

I am appalled that women are being forced to choose to travel out of state in order to have the birth choices that are rightfully theirs. Even worse, there are women who are limiting their family size because they are afraid of having to fight simply to give birth!

For a while, the birth climate in Mississippi was looking up. Today I am wondering what it will take for us to have the rights and choices we deserve. As a woman who fought to get what the birth I wanted and fought to give that to other women, I am forced to consider how much worse can it get before it gets better?

What if every woman with a scar across her belly stood up and said "NO MORE!" What if every woman with a virgin womb stood up and said "You will NOT tell me how to birth the children yet to enter this body!" What if every woman with milky breasts, crayon colored walls, stained shirts, and tangled hair said "I am in charge of my births!"

Would "they" listen? Would the men who decided we needed them to interfere in the birth process to begin with hush us back and "tsk" at our silly cries for attention? Or would they sit, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, and stare at the brazen revolutionists they've made us become?

I hear all of the abortion debates, "Get your laws off of my body!" and "It's a baby, not a choice!" Why don't I hear the birth cries, "Get your laws out of my uterus!" or "It's MY baby, MY birth, MY body!!"

I'm screaming it. I'm screaming it to anybody that will listen.

Are you?

Go Candi...It's your birthday!

I'm turning 30. Tomorrow. :)

Anyone who knows me knows that I love my birthdays. It doesn't bother me even a little to be getting older. I make a production out of it. I sing a song about it, and more often than not stretch celebrating my aging in this lifetime for a few days rather than simply the day I was born. This year is not different.

It started with my mom taking me to have my nails done as a treat. I went to the place where she has her nails done ever two weeks (at least). So she's on a first name basis with the peeps in the nail salon. The girl doing my nails, LeLe, chatted with me like she'd known me all her life. At one point she said, "we love your mom and she is so proud of you. That's why I feel like I know you. She talks about you constantly and we get all the updates." It made me smile and that smile meant more to me than the schmexy nails I walked away with.

I spent the rest of my evening with friends and family. I was surrounded by friends who have been in my life for years, and some who have been in my life a much shorter time. The whole combination has left me nostalgic and philosophical today. I've realized something, at the end of it all this is what it is about: having people who love you and know who you are. Or maybe I should say know who you are and love you anyway.

One of my closest friends gave me a birthday card with a coupon in it for me to choose my birthday celebration with her. All of the choices were so me. It made me smile to realize this person truly knows me. I shoved more of my lovely friends than not out of the respective comfort zones last night in one way or another. I seem to be good at that lately. Thing is, they let me. And they love me anyway. The let me because they love me. And that makes me a lucky girl.

I have learned over the past five years that we are never done growing. We never stop learning and with knowledge comes maturity. This is why 30 is no big deal to me. It kind of excites me actually. Knowing the things I have learned in the past five years, ten years, fifteen years, I'm pretty damn psyched to see what's around the next corner.

I'm off to spend the day with myself today. I'm pretty psyched about that too. :) Thanks for taking the time to read my random thoughts.

Happy Birthday to me!!!!!

THE most important election

It's coming up. Realistically speaking, this truly is the most important presidential election in history. Our economy is in crisis and our country is at war. Everyone needs to vote, and do so responsibly. This means voting your conscience rather than your party.

Now I've said before that in the past election (and the one before) I didn't vote according to the issues. I voted the way I did because the other candidates were scarier to me than the one I voted for. This time however, I see two very capable candidates heading toward the election.

Today Ellen had Senator McCain on her show. It was interesting to say the least. They discussed the recent decision in California to overturn the ban on gay marriage. And she had him answer questions from the audience. Basically, the main issues he addressed were our military position and the oil crisis. He said he promised to bring our troops home with victory and honor, though he offered no timeline. And to the issue on the oil he expressed America's need to become independent of foreign oil sources.

The things I know that are important to me are what make me undecided in this election. I do believe in absolute freedom and equality, that includes all the major controversial issues. Morality should not be legislated. I also feel we do need to be independent of foreign energy sources and work *hastily* toward saving our environment. I think we need to remember that our president leads the world's largest military during his term, and for years now we have had active military forces in other countries. That means he is going to HAVE to know how to lead and military service can only benefit him. On the same hand, I feel it is time to bring our troops home in the safest way possible. I also wish we had a candidate working toward universal healthcare but I doubt we ever see that in America.

I have many more opinions as I'm sure you can guess. But this is a good overview. I'm not asking for you to tell me how to vote. BUT I would like your opinion. If you have decided who you will cast your vote for, share with me and tell me why. It's almost a sure thing the race will be between Obama and McCain, but if Hilary is your girl feel free to tell me that too and why.

These are NOT valid answers, so please don't waste any of our time with them:

1. I'm not voting b/c nobody's vote counts anyway. (This may be a valid viewpoint at times, but come on this is America and we can't fix what is wrong with Democracy if we don't make our voices heard.)
2. I vote Republican (Democrat) because I am Republican (Democrat). (This is irresponsible and your voting rights should be revoked.)

Also, please don't insult any other viewpoints expressed here. We are all entitled to our opinions and every opinion is a valid one. I learn from people who think differently from me, which is why I'm asking. :)

*Note: this blog was originally posted elsewhere, as where the aforementioned comments. So, comments for it here have been disabled since it is no longer relevant.

Yet another reason why I love this woman

If I haven't said it before...Ani DiFranco kicks so much ass.

Although I believe I have.

Here's (yet another reason) why! Ani Q & A on Venus Zine

My favorite part:

In response to why she chose to have a homebirth and would she do so again...

"I would definitely choose a homebirth again despite the fear mongering of this patriarchal society, which convinces women that they are incapable of having babies without the intervention of men and their machines. I look at societies where women are marginalized and oppressed their whole lives (even covered head to toe in tarps!) but are still in control of birthing practice, in a whole new way now. I mean, who is really more advanced?"

I need her to be my baby mama...too bad somebody's got that covered.

Just to get something out

After having weird dreams for two nights I had a seemingly unrelated thought process this morning. However, unrelated as it may be, I can't stop milling it around. I tend to think, at times like this, that if I keep going over it I will figure out the answer. That rarely happens. So I decided I would get it out so maybe I can at least stop milling it around.

Growing up I had a pretty good childhood. My parents were happily married. These were my perceptions.

I was nineteen before I found out any different. And it shattered my world for a very long time. I guess parts of it are still shattered. I felt like my whole life had been a lie to some degree. Now, today, I am wondering. They (my parents) felt as if they were doing their best for me by keeping the ugliness away from me. But eventually I was bound to find out the ugliness anyway. And when I did I think it was more damaging than if I had just lived through it and learned to accept it in the first place.

There is not point to this really. I just needed to active processing.

But if you do know why I've been dreaming about huge houses, let me know.

Understanding the T in GLBT

I believe I’ve stated elsewhere in my blogs that I am a curious person by nature. When I come across something I am unfamiliar with, I learn. I take that opportunity to broaden my mind and take in new information.

This morning I stumbled upon the T in GLBT. Now I knew what this stood for...transgendered (sometimes transsexual) for those who don’t know. But I didn’t really understand what defined a person as trans. And when I don’t know...I have to find out.

Thank you Google!

I met some really awesome people via the little phenemon known as Google search. I like going through the images. Because then you come across articles but get pictures also. That’s why I say I met them. The faces I saw as I read became so real to me.

The main reason I went in search of scratching my perverbial curious itch this morning was for understanding. I didn’t understand all the verbage or who is called what and I needed to understand that. Not that I currently know any transgendered people personally, but I hope that one day my life is enriched by enough people that I would know some of every type of person.

Anyone can be transgendered. Normal, everyday people. It’s not a disease. It’s not a choice. It’s not an affliction. Although the mental anguish some of these people go through in their biological gender can be. I can’t imagine what that must feel like. The strength and true contentment of so many of the transgendered people I saw is what amazed me.

I didn’t write this today to try to make you understand. Only to say that I wanted to understand. I wish we could all live that way. Seeking to understand what we don’t, rather than being afraid of it. And hating it. How small the world must be to live that way.

Poe, oh Poe, why have you forsaken me?

I am currently very frustrated with my reading situaion. :) Or maybe my writing situation. It could possibly be both.

Anyway, I'm reading a book right now that I borrowed from a friend a while back. Both the author and title are unknown to me: Just Killing Time by Derek Van Arman. Why am I so frustrated you ask? Well, let me just tell you. The very first nerve this little recycled book store treasure hit with me was inconsistency. One of the main characters in the story is a detective. Well there are quite a few detectives to be technical about it, but I am speaking specifically of special agent Scott. We learn on page 25 that "His name was John F. Scott," except I'm guessing the F stands for FUBAR'ed...as we hear him say on page 27, "I am Jack Scott." I guess you could say his name really was John. Why did the editor not catch this?

Now I could just chuckle this off and keep reading, if the book weren't better suited as fire kindle. My rule of thumb when reading is this: If I can write it better, I won't read it. I'm aware that may be conceited and honestly, I don't care. I go to great lengths to use grammar correctly, construct easily read sentences, and a smooth story flow.

Passages such as these are making this book most troublesome to get through:

And together, like a drill team, they swept through the cab, tossing out wrappers and empty cups and old newspapers that they had gathered along their journey. (p. 65)

The duo stopped alongside a white Dodge van as Corless fumbled in pastel blue pants that were too tight for his heavy build. Producing keys, he then slid the bay loading door open. He retreived a dark blue sports jacked with shiny gold buttons that was hanging on a hook. (p. 64)

There is a term known as overwriting. Many authors are guilty of doing it. We think we so badly want you to envision any story we are telling that we feel the need to over explain or give piddly details that simply add words rather than paint a more detailed picture. And for the sanity of all readers who write, please do not use a simile unless you can do it well.

It has occurred to me as I am struggling my way through this book (out of desperation for something to read) that there are so many writers who get published and I have no idea how they made it to where they are. Even some of the most well known authors aren't necessarily the best. I'd dare to say there are few writers who have ever written anything that was beyond criticism. I would even go so far as to say that every writer on the planet knows this, even the most popular authors. There are few so talented they can spin a tale that enthralls their audience from start to finish. Most creative writing majors who become published get stuck in their comfort zone and follow the same patterns, even with very different story lines, book after book. Jodi Picoult is guilty of this, her talent notwithstanding. Modern day literary legends are simply hard to come by, an elite society if you will.

Perhaps I am too harsh, too critical. Even so, the more mediocrity I encounter in the published author the more discouraged I am with the world around me. I devour what compels me with an insatiable hunger then wait for the next tiny morsel like a ravenous lion crouching in the field.

The true genius shudders at incompleteness - and usually prefers silence to saying something which is not everything it should be. ~Edgar Allan Poe

As a woman I simply cannot grasp this...

I was reading an article a client of mine posted in her bulletins and it got me to thinking. Basically, the article is about Ina May Gaskin and her vast contributions to birth. Now I have many mixed feelings and thoughts on Ina May, but that's neither here nor there. The line that got to me was a quote by the modern day midwifery native, "It's the only way I can think to market it to (this) generation."

Why on earth are we having to market birth to women today???!!! Why is the safest, most gentle way of birthing treated as the red-headed stepchild of labor and delivery?

I have a few theories.

1. The Dr's said so. I mean, it's ACOG. A bunch of men with alphabet soup behind their names. They said you'd better go to the hospital. And lordy lordy make sure they don't forget the machine that goes BING! And no one questions this? No one questions the ONE group of people who stand to PROFIT from 99+ percent of the female population giving birth in a hospital?

2. We are a nation of frivilous lawsuits. Obstetricians can barely afford their malpractice insurance, at least that is how it is in my state. I personally know one doctor who was sued by one patient for not doing a cesarean and which left her with (completely unrelated) butt pain, and by another who sued him for LEGAL malpractice because the lawyers told her she did not have a suit. Yep, he got sued because he couldn't be sued.

3. We've completely forgotten the friggin rights we worked so damn hard to get. Where are all of the feminists in this time that we so desperately need a revolution in birth?!

4. Influential people like Angelina Jolie, Madonna, Posh Spice, Britney Spears, and Gwen Stefani are now sporting a little something extra along their bikini line thanks to cesarean surgeries, some of which were completely elective.

5. Complete and total lack of education.

Really it is a combination of all of these things I am quite sure, plus a plethora of other just as ludicrous reasons.

What women in America have failed to realize is that obstetricians are specialists. They specialize in high risk pregnancy and birth. And in the most normal of circumstances they are likely to find something that seems high risk. Another common oversight is one that goes hand in hand with the first. OB's treat - not prevent. So when I hear women say...oh but I HAD to have an emergency c-section or I am SO lucky I had my doctor there he saved my/my baby's life...I kinda throw up in my mouth a little. Emergency surgeries do not take 30-45 minutes to get underway. I can promise you that if your doc said...uh oh looks like we need to do an emergency c-sec and they took their sweet time getting you prepped...it was not an emergency. An emergency means you are put to sleep and your surgery is underway in less than ten minutes. Those are rare, even with the rates of cesarean these days. And as far as the doc saving 'my/my baby's' life...well...here's the thing...it most likely wouldn't have needed saving without medical intervention being introduced to begin with.

We are mammals. We birth by instinct, and any interruption in that process causes problems. That means the machine that goes BING!, the hep-lock or IV, bright lights, and hospital gowns. And ladies, those are just the mild interventions.

Why in an age where we refuse to become the poster housewife of the 50's, demanded our rights to vote, break down stereotypes left and right, and are taking sledgehammers to glass ceilings daily are we allowing our bodies to be hijacked like this? Why aren't more women standing up and saying ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! I am perfectly capable of giving birth! I don't need you to make sure I do it right!

I realize everyone won't choose homebirth...it makes me sad...but I still accept it. Fine then, go birth at the hospital. But for the sake of all things good and holy, make sure they know who is freaking in charge! Why aren't we telling the doctors...NO! Why aren't we saying, "You are here as the guardrail...not the highway!"

I hope the current birth movement will help women to question. I hope my daughters' generations will say these things. I hope they will learn and understand about prenatal nutrition and all of the things it can (and will) prevent.

I hope I am still here the day natural, safe birth does not have to marketed in order to be chosen.

Best thing that happened to me today

I am comfortably wearing a pair of jeans that I haven't been able to in over a year. Now I won't tell you what size, as really it's no where near where I'd like to be lol. And they really aren't my style of jeans I typically like to wear. But still, buttoned and I'm not dying or even uncomfortable. It's made me happy.

Putting on these jeans successfully (when a few weeks ago I could not) has gotten me to thinking. I mean I've never ever been a skinny girl. But as an adult it simply has not bothered me as much. And after three kids, I assure you my body is not better for the wear. LOL As I began to ponder this I realized I have felt better about myself in the past 5 years than ever before in my life. And I've wondered why exactly.

I can attribute tiny parts of it to many things in life. Having two children naturally at home with births that I can only describe as amazingly empowering, pulling out of the worst depression I've ever faced, facing and accepting the demons of my past, overcoming a lifelong battle with an eating disorder, discovering what I want to do with my life's energy, watching almost three dozen women come into their own through giving birth and becoming empowered, or simply becoming a mother to daughters who look to me for an example of self esteem. All of these things have marked me for the better. But still, they don't really pin down the reason for my fairly newfound confidence, considering my almost thirty years.

Then I remembered something a very close friend said to me the other day.

her ~ You know something I've always kind of been jealous of about you?
me ~ what?
her ~ Your confidence.

Now, she has known me for ten years. We weren't close for about the first year or so of that. But when we began to get close was when I was going through my divorce. And then it hit me. That was it. That was the birth of my confidence. My ex-husband and I had a toxic relationship, and in the end he belittled me quite often. I felt so small and useless. And when I finally left him I felt naked. Every single day was like that dream where you are at school/work and you suddenly realize everybody is staring at you like you are naked. If I had held on to the worthlessness, the bottomless pit of feeling so small, I would have simply melted away. I would have become exactly what he made me believe I was. And it started small. It was a long long process. But finally I did have exactly what she has seen in me: confidence. And now that I have it I won't ever look back.

I've been tagged...

...and well, I never pass up a challenge. And even though I've done this before, I'll try to come up with ten completely new weird/random facts about me.

Alright folks, hold on to your panties.

1. I am a complete and total word whore. Anybody ever seen the movie Threesome? Remember the chick that can orgasm from hearing big words? Yeah, total word whore.

2. I call everybody by southern pet names. For example: baby, sweetie, sweetheart, hon, honey, and yes...sometimes sugar.

3. I love love love giving birth, however I do not enjoy parenting as much as I thought I would. Nobody ever told me how difficult of a job it truly is.

4. Before you hate me for 3, I will add that though hard as hell parenting is also the coolest thing ever.

5. I constantly contradict myself. (Reread 3 & 4 if you don't belive me.) This is the true meaning of the Gemini twins btw, dual personalities.

6. I've had two near death experiences. One was a car accident 4 days before I turned 18 in which someone was killed (obviously not me) and the other was riding a 3-wheeler when I was a teenager. I was supposed to ramp and didn't, which almost sent the bike forward on top of my unprotected head and neck.

7. I can be very easily swayed from my opinions most of the time if your arguement is good enough.

8. I like arguing. A lot.

9. There are two things that make me happier than anything else on the face of the earth: ice cream cones & the movie Dirty Dancing.

10. I broke my best friend's finger when I was 15...on purpose.

And if you've ever read one of my tag blogs...then you know how it ends. I tag....nobody. Stop the insanity!!!

It is better to have loved and lost...

This is something I wrote a while back for something else and when I was reading over it tonight I thought I would share. I can't think of a single person I know who hasn't loved and lost...so read...hopefully enjoy...show me love.

It is better to have loved and lost...

That's the saying isn't it? It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

Getting over someone is the hardest thing known to mankind - or womankind as the case may be. There are all kinds of relationships with all kinds of levels. There are connections on each of those levels. And some are easily moved on from. You know moving on is the right thing, you are thankful for that person's presence in your life, and you move on. Or you hate them, can't stand the sight of them, and moving on is even easier. But sometimes, sometimes moving on is the most painful experience there is. It can rip your heart out, eat it like a wild animal, and regurgitate it to be reinserted and ripped out again.

Rarely in life do you find another person that there is a connection on all levels. Someone who stimulates your mind, body, emotions, and all your senses at once. It is almost overload to find these people. You see them and think, wow I'd like to know that person. Then you seek them out. Then BAM! Overload!!

Losing a connection like this begs the question of what the entire purpose of the relationship was. Walking away with personal growth may seem like the obvious answer. And yet, you must wonder if there wasn't some easier (less heart-regurgitated) way to achieve this growth.

And still, we continue on. We live and love. Each time opening ourselves up to another person for this pain. And at times we get it, in all of the ripping out glory that love can bring. And we grow. Right? We grow.

Perhaps it is better to have loved and lost. Perhaps that connection to another human being is so sacred that we welcome the chance to have our heart shredded even for a glimpse of what could've been. I know I have.

22 years ago today

The space shuttle Challenger exploded barely a minute after it left the ground.



All seven crew members lost their lives.



This piece of history was one that people in my generation and older will not ever forget. I was sitting in a second grade classroom watching the space shuttle take flight.

Do you remember where you were?

Life Lessons as a Parent

I've learned as my kids have grown that we are never through learning. I've also learned that this whole parenting gig is the hardest thing ever. Nothing can prepare you for watching another human being mold into a person, with personalities and mistakes and fun and love like no other experience on earth.

We got a notice this week that the school wants to test my daughter for the gifted program. Now, I know every parent on this earth wants to believe their child is gifted, and in truth they all are. Each person has their own gifts and talents that make them unique. The problem here is looking at this from a realistic point of veiw. At first I was kind of taken aback. I mean I think my kid is special but for someone else to say so is really cool. Then I had to stop and think...but wait, doesn't every first grader think outside the box? Don't they all show creative abilities and promise until that gets squashed the older they get?

Then there's this - and I warn you now this is selfish on my part. I want it. Badly. I want my daughter to have this program in her life that meant so so much to me when I was a kid. I know exactly what the gifted program is because I was in it for something like 8 years. I feel like it is one of the surest ways to NOT turn out a little autobot from the public school system. The program is as unstructured as public education can be and forces children to stay outside the box. And the older she gets she will be exposed to older and younger children from other backgrounds. Some of them will challenge her too, because they will be the ones who are really really ingelligent. You know, the smart kids with almost no social skills. And of course the lucky ones who are smart and socially ept. Those are the ones who challenged me the most. Because they were cool and part of the in crowd. Plus they made me think. Me, I was a part of all the crowds. I was just one of those people who blended. But anyway I digress.

We won't know anything for a while. Won't even know when they will test her. And I don't think I even want to tell her they will be doing it. Although I'm plenty open to opinions on that one.

So, this is me. Being selfish and trying to be realistic. And trust me, I'm completely ok if my kid is just average, because I know her gifts and she will learn them as she grows. I just see this as the opportunity for her to use them to the fullest. Hopefully anyway. :)

Another reminder of why I do this

Birth, that is.

I had another birth this week. This one was emotional and hard, and did not have the most desired outcome. A healthy baby and mother were both had though.

In speaking with mom at her postpartum visit yesterday I was once again reminded of why I do birth. And of why I love women.

We are a strong species, the fairer sex. We are looked at as the less strong, the needy, etc...when that couldn't be farther from the truth. We are stronger than any man I've ever met. And really, I completely understand why the oldest religions worshipped the feminine. We should be worshipped.

I bear the image of Isis on my right shoulder blade. She is the mother goddess, the goddess of the feminine. I wear her permanently on my body as a reminder of just how strong we are. I see her strength in each women I am blessed enough to serve. I see her strength in myself. I am proud of being a part of this fairer sex.

I told someone close to me last year that I found pain to be the most beautiful state of existence. This is because of the strength of these women. My job is to be with women in pain. Not to sit with them and cluck and pity their pain. My job is to actually be present with them, to share their energy and let them know they are not alone in what they are experiencing. A woman in pain will open her soul to you at the exact moment she wants to shut down, if you will be present with her. It is at the point I see strength, without fail. And it is beautiful.

My heart is full this week from the strength of birth, of the feminine. And once again I remember why I do what I do.

An amazing birth

I'd like to share a quick story with you. This is why I do what I do.

I had a client last week email me talking about wanting an unassisted birth. Previously the plan had been for me to assist her and her partner in a hospital birth. I encouraged her to go for the birth she wanted and left the lines open for any support I could give her.

I don't do what I do to to feel good myself. I truly do this to empower women. I do not want women to remember their birth by my presence. I want women to own their birth experiences.

Now I won't tell you a lot about the birth. I don't tell my clients' birth stories as they aren't mine to tell. I will just tell you the part that has made my entire day. Hell it could have made my entire week.

Mom went into labor this morning, and not even an hour ago delivered her son unassisted at home with me blessed enough to be on the phone. She was amazing and strong and can forever know she this birth belonged to no one but herself. I am so proud of her and for her. The trust she placed in her body and her baby is what I hope for every women I encounter.

Love and light beautiful women.