I am comfortably wearing a pair of jeans that I haven't been able to in over a year. Now I won't tell you what size, as really it's no where near where I'd like to be lol. And they really aren't my style of jeans I typically like to wear. But still, buttoned and I'm not dying or even uncomfortable. It's made me happy.
Putting on these jeans successfully (when a few weeks ago I could not) has gotten me to thinking. I mean I've never ever been a skinny girl. But as an adult it simply has not bothered me as much. And after three kids, I assure you my body is not better for the wear. LOL As I began to ponder this I realized I have felt better about myself in the past 5 years than ever before in my life. And I've wondered why exactly.
I can attribute tiny parts of it to many things in life. Having two children naturally at home with births that I can only describe as amazingly empowering, pulling out of the worst depression I've ever faced, facing and accepting the demons of my past, overcoming a lifelong battle with an eating disorder, discovering what I want to do with my life's energy, watching almost three dozen women come into their own through giving birth and becoming empowered, or simply becoming a mother to daughters who look to me for an example of self esteem. All of these things have marked me for the better. But still, they don't really pin down the reason for my fairly newfound confidence, considering my almost thirty years.
Then I remembered something a very close friend said to me the other day.
her ~ You know something I've always kind of been jealous of about you?
me ~ what?
her ~ Your confidence.
Now, she has known me for ten years. We weren't close for about the first year or so of that. But when we began to get close was when I was going through my divorce. And then it hit me. That was it. That was the birth of my confidence. My ex-husband and I had a toxic relationship, and in the end he belittled me quite often. I felt so small and useless. And when I finally left him I felt naked. Every single day was like that dream where you are at school/work and you suddenly realize everybody is staring at you like you are naked. If I had held on to the worthlessness, the bottomless pit of feeling so small, I would have simply melted away. I would have become exactly what he made me believe I was. And it started small. It was a long long process. But finally I did have exactly what she has seen in me: confidence. And now that I have it I won't ever look back.
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