So today is...

Another kid's birthday. My oldest is turning 8 today. Which means I have been a mother full-fledged for 8 years today.

My life changed when I became a mother. I changed. The first words I said to my daughter were, "I promise I will protect you every day of my life." I didn't know before her that it was possible to love another human being so completely.

Her birth changed me. Her birth was the catalyst into making me who and what I am today. It wasn't a shiny happy story like my other two births. It was hard on me on so many levels, the birth itself and adjusting to being responsible for a tiny little person. I owe so much to this person, this one who I was supposed to have been taken care of all this time. Today I wonder if she's possibly been taking care of me?

Happy birthday Kierstyn, my beautiful one. I love you with every fiber of my being and I cannot wait to see where this life takes you.

It's been five years...

This Sunday will mark five years since my beautiful son made his grand appearance. I know my weekend will be busy, so I wanted to do this while I have time to sit and my day has already been filled with writing.

I love remembering the birth of my children, especially on the days they were born. Yes, their births are my experiences, but they also belong to my babies too. My son's pregnancy and birth changed me in a very deep way. Today I'd like to share the story of his birth with you. This is what I have put up on my personal birth stories of my business web site. I've tried to make it not too graphic, and give some idea of what this birth meant to me. I am so grateful for my son, who he is and what he means to me. I am so happy he was born and cannot wait to see what he is like as he grows. I'm lucky to know this little person, and lucky to have my life made richer by him.

October 12, 2003------------------------------------------------------------------------

We were on our way home after a typical Saturday. The day had been filled with bookstores and college football. The only thing different with this particular Saturday is that undetected early labor had also been thrown into the mix. That night as we drove home after dropping off movies at the movie store, I felt a pop inside as I was coughing. I was a little alarmed, but said nothing to my husband since my due date was still almost three weeks away. When we got home, I carried my sleeping toddler in and laid her down. When I stood up I realized the inside of my pants leg was soaked and started wobbling to the bathroom. As I had suspected my water indeed had broken, and my husband was sent into a short-lived tizzy. Once all had calmed down and we realized the baby was coming then instead of giving us three weeks to get ready, my mom and dad came to help me clean house, run errands, and take my daughter in the middle of the night while my midwife and her assistant were en route.

My contractions started very quickly after my water broke. At first they were so mild I barely even noticed them. My doula had come to sit with me and it wasn't too long before my midwife arrived. She checked my cervix and I was three centimeters. My contractions were coming every few minutes, but were very mild. We all knew the labor wasn't stopping though, since my water had broken. I decided to take a warm bath while my husband cooked food for everyone. (Sidenote: husbands, do NOT try to fry food while your wife is in labor, she will not enjoy the experience!) During the bath, my contractions began to pick up.

The next few hours, I alternated between sitting on the birth ball, being in the bath, and sleeping. Yes, I said sleeping. I spent probably about 3 hours of my eleven and a half hour labor sleeping. Eventually, during one of the warm baths, I noticed a drastic change in my contractions. So much so, that I had to begin vocalizing through them. Since I was in the bathroom alone, it took me a few minutes to make my way out of the bathtub to tell the midwife I felt different. Upon checking me, she discovered I was 8 centimeters. Everyone set about moving everything to the living room since it looked like I would be birthing there, and soon after being checked I said I was feeling pressure.

I began to try some pushing in a sitting position with my feet propped up, simulating a squat. At the same time, transition hit pretty hard and I started throwing up. The pushing was painful in that position, so I stood up and hung off of my husband to push. When I was pushing I began to doubt myself. I questioned whether or not I could finish it. I realized though that I wasn't doing it alone – we, my son and I, were doing it together. Pushing was really intense for me. So much so that I describe it as an out of body experience. I recall the sensations and exactly how it felt – but it was like I watched it all in third person. As he came out without tearing my body in any way my midwife guided him to the towel beneath me. Immediately I fell forward in a fog thinking to myself the whole thing seemed so surreal. I heard voices from what seemed like another room calling my son's name telling him to wake up and I realized that my son was outside of my body and he needed me as much as ever. I called his name and with tears streaming turned over to pull him up to me. As soon as he heard my voice he began to wake up I held him close rubbing his back. Soon he was pink and beautiful.

When my son was born I never would have thought I would be so enthralled by him as I was. I had been a mother before; my daughter was almost three. When she was born I held her and looked at her and promised to always protect her and never abandon her. I felt the mother bear instinct soar in me and it has been that way with her ever since. With my son it was different though. He was like an extension of me. I felt completed by him – by his existence and his birth.

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Happy Birthday Connor! Thank you for your birth and your presence in my life. I am so proud of you and always will be, no matter where life takes you.

Ok...everybody panic

Watching the news. That's my current status. It's been my current status for about six minutes.

Let me share the IDIOTIC statements I have heard in those lone six minutes.

The bailout plan is important to pass to get credit flowing again.

I'm sorry, but isn't the flowing of credit part of our current problem? People have been encouraged to put themselves and their families in hock up to their eyeballs and now they can't pay it back! But come on, if we offer them more money it'll fix everything. Nevermind that no one from middle class America down can afford, to quote my childhood, a pot to piss in if they didn't already have one. Let's go ahead and put everybody in MORE debt.

Carmax is laying off umpteen *my word* thousand employees nationwide, but the GOOD news is no one in the Jackson area will be affected.

Goody goody gumdrops! The Jackson area is safe. Our carmax employees won't lose their jobs. The employees across the rest of the country, eh not so much. But who cares? It's not close to us so we're good. How callous can we be? Idiots.

And people can still buy big ticket items, like new TV's, because financing is STILL available because Mississippi banks are STILL stable.

This rich prick had the gall to stand on television and say, "If I didn't know there was a national crisis, I wouldn't know it from the number of people coming into the store." Seriously. Again, let's keep handing out money, guarantee no interest for a few months (or years) and when these people can't pay back the money they've borrowed the banks can all go under then. Of course, it'll be the banks going under not him since they banks will have already paid him. So he's good.

I swear one person didn't close their mouth before another was letting something stupid fall out. What kind of idiots are reporting the news tonight? Better yet, what kind of idiots are coming up with this idea that giving people money they have to pay back but don't have the money to pay back will fix the economy? Oh wait, it keeps us dependent. Silly, silly me.

I'm deeply disturbed. This is the current state of affairs. Everybody panic. The people we've allowed to make the decisions have screwed us.